For Partners, and Family and Friends
It can be difficult to know what to say or do, when you or someone that you care about has experienced a miscarriage and early pregnancy loss. We are here to help.
For Partners
Partners grieve too, often while trying to be strong for their loved one. It's important to acknowledge your own grief while supporting each other. Your role is complex in that you have also experienced the loss and are also grieving. This is a shared experience, and yet ways of grieving can be very different.
- Say “I am here for you”
- Find ways to remember your baby together
- Seek support for yourself too
- Grief can strain even the closest relationship — be patient
- Ask “How can I help you?”, and let your partner know how they can support you also
- Show them that you care in your own special way, as small gestures go a long way
- Help yourself too with rest, nutrition, and gentle exercise
For Family and Friends
The most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge the loss. Say "I'm sorry" and let them know you're there.
- Send a card, message, or simply say "I am here for you"
- Acknowledge their loss
- Say “I’m sorry”
- Offer practical help — meals, childcare, errands
- Listen without trying to fix it
- Follow their lead on when and how to talk about it
- Acknowledge that this is a difficult time for them
- Let them be sad, upset or angry, and reassure them that how they are grieving is okay
- Show compassion and be present
- Keep the focus on them
What not to say
Do not say these things. Sometimes well-meaning phrases can unintentionally minimise someone's grief:
It wasn't meant to be
You can always have another baby
At least it was early…
You shouldn’t have told anyone until after your 12 week scan
Everything happens for a reason
It was probably for the best
You can always have another baby
At least you can get pregnant
It’s probably because you were doing too much
Don't stories about other people’s experience of miscarriage
Early Pregnancy Loss can be difficult to understand if you have not experienced this yourself
The loss of a baby through miscarriage and early pregnancy loss can be a devastating time, and may be difficult for others to understand, especially if they have not experienced this themself.
Everyone has their own personal way of grieving, and each person can react in different ways when faced with a miscarriage and early pregnancy loss. The experience of losing a baby is a loss that may take time to come to terms with. Feelings of sadness can happen at any time.
It is important that anyone affected is able to grieve. This is a time when family and friends can provide support by being there in a gentle and helpful way.
We hope that this information will help you or the person you are caring for, through this difficult time in the most compassionate and supportive way.
For Partners
You both may be grieving over the loss of your future. You may be able to support each other very well and even feel closer as a result. However grief can put a strain on even the closest relationship. Just when you need each other the most, it may be difficult to say or do the right things in order to support each other.
It can be a very stressful time where you may be the one to keep the family together and are under pressure to keep working even though you are both grieving the loss of a baby. The silence that surrounds miscarriage makes it even harder to carry on. You may have other children to care for and explain the loss to.
Try to sit together with the grief without judgment. A good way to support your partner is to ensure they get plenty of rest, good food and some gentle exercise. You both need time to heal and part of this process is to say goodbye to your baby in a meaningful way. You can remember your baby in your own way, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve your loss.
For Family and Friends
Saying “I’m sorry” and acknowledging the person and their partner’s loss, is the best way for anyone to respond to a miscarriage. Let the person and their partner know that you are there for them.
The last thing a grieving person wants to hear is another person’s experience of loss, because it moves the focus from them. At this point in time, it is all about your friend or famil member who has miscarried and is experiencing the loss. Your job is to be helpful and supportive. If you have experienced a loss yourself you can let them know that you understand, but don’t take the focus off them.
Never respond with “At least …”. Any statements beginning with “At least” should not be used, as they are not helpful, and unintentionally minimise the person’s loss.